The Story Of My Life

The story of who I am and where I've been...

Where to begin? I guess I can start back when I was five years old. I was just starting kindergarten and was excited to be around people. I was one of those kids that didn't cry on the first day. Kindergarten was awful...my teacher Mrs. Kee used to treat me bad and yank on my ears and all this crazy stuff. Needless to say that was not a great first experience for me.

Oh well right? Next year was first grade, I loved frist grade my teacher Mrs. Johnson was awesome. Everything was so peaceful and serene during this time, not alot of turmoil and choas. There was a lot of violence in my neighborhood though. My friends and I had to run home from the bus stop everyday to keep from getting beat up by the older kids, which led to us being some of the fastest kids in our class. I used to hate my neighborhood, having to sleep on the floor because people wanna shoot outside. The people below us used to shoot all the time. That didn't really help my disposition. I was a little troublemaker. I used to be afraid to fight people until my grandma told me she'd beat me if I came in the house crying again. It never happened again. I even hit a kid in the head with a pole to keep from getting beat up. I did what I had to do fuck that right?

Oh well...onto second grade. My academic prowess was amazing, but my behavior was a little impulsive. I had my first "girlfriend" during this period. She was really nice and I stole earrings for her from some store. I used to bring her all kinds of things that i had stolen, but they usually weren't expensive. They were little things. Now that I look back on it, it's nothing to be proud of, but what the hell right? I was like 7.

Fast forward to third grade, I had moved into the house I live in now. New school, new surroundings, I loved it. Until....I met this kid in my third grade class. He was really cool and we like chilled alot, but he had this grudge against some fifth grader named Bulldog, yes...Bulldog and he was just as big as his name implied. He tried to get me to join his gang against Bulldog's gang. Well I wasn't really the biggest kid...and I wasn't about to fight a kid named Bulldog! So I kinda distanced myself from all the guys in third grade. I kinda became an introverted person, my wild ass imagination came about around this time. I guess I have bulldog to thank for that.

Fast forward to middle school. Middle school was a time of firsts. I met my first real best friend in middle school. I found my first passion in middle school (band). I had my first love in middle school, which was short lived. However, there was a lot about middle school that I hated. This was the beginning of a decline that nearly consumed me. I hated myself in middle school. Certain people knew how to just hurt you for no reason at all. I was bullied nearly everyday in middle school on the bus ride home. I was shoved, pushed, flicked, spit on, and laughed at because I was the only kid that got off at my stop. I guess because of the neighborhood I lived in people thought that I thought that I was better or something so they fucked with me. I hated riding the bus so much that I had dreams of killing everybody on the bus. I loved my friends though, we could talk about anything at lunchtime and in classes. We had some good times. However, class was not always fun. What is it about young females that they just like to put guys down? these females in my middle school spanish class...I won't say names though, even though I remember ALL the names quite vividly. Used to just put me down, not that they could fathom the psychological effect it had on me, but they used to laughingly call me ugly and stupid shit in Spanish, like I wasn't the smartest dude in the class and didn't kno what they were saying about me. I hated it... Like I said, I had my first love in middle school. I had the biggest crush on her and my cousin hooked us up, but I was so shy that we hardly talked and that's probably why we didn't really last long. Hormones ran high at that age and she found another guy, and I just found regret. I still regret sometimes. I do remember a good time in middle school. I had the biggest crush on this chick named Bunnie, yes that was her name. And it was 8th grade prom and I was in an all white tux with a hat and cane. And she danced with me. It was like the best time ever. I was still having this major identity crisis though...I only fit in with my group of friends and was worried about losing them.

This brings me to HIGH SCHOOL! Another disappointing time, but also another time of great triumph and discovery. I followed my friends to Granby, I did not want to go to booker t and maury rejected me, thank god. I continued my love of band, which brought me to marching band. Marching band was difficult for me my first year and thats why i didn't march. Marching band brought me some of the greatest epxeriences of my life and some of the greatest friends that I'm proud to still call friends now (some of them anyway). Marching band allowed me to interact with a bunch of new and bright people. However...it's not like everybody wanted to talk to me. I didn't really become a popular guy in marching band until I became a good clarinet player. It was kind of backwards because people who used to overlook me, somehow became my best friend all because I could play well. Those that couldn't play as well as me, hated me and joked me because of it. It was kind of shady the way things worked back then, now that i think of it. I remember a good friend of mine telling me that I sucked at playing clarinet after I had beaten one of the better clarinet players in a challenge. He has since then apologized for it, but back then it kind of stirred me the wrong way. Lord knows marching band was my saving grace because the rest of high school sucked. I had a mixed group of friends for which I was always ridiculed for because I didn't hang with people that looked like "me" (meaning black people). Girls in high school were twice as cruel as girls in middle school. Girls in middle school would just laugh at you as they joked you and never tried to convey any feelings as that they liked you. Girls in high school played like they liked you all the while laughing at you. I remember this one time where these two girls walked by me, and I heard one of the girls say "I'll give you five bucks if you mess with him" and the girl came over there and tried to act interested in me and gave me a fake number and walked away like she had accomplished something positive. Was it worth five bucks to fucking crush a guy's spirit like that? Thats partially why I didn't date in high school. The girls I liked were either out of my league or they were ignorant. Or maybe it's because I always fell for the wrong types of girls. I'd look at the really popular chicks that I knew I'd never get with or have the time of day to talk to. I loved black women, but I also wasn't a picky guy. I'd date a girl that I thought was interesting. Back then, I wasn't a great talker either. I mean I'm okay with talking to new people now because I meet new people all the time and you kinda have to learn to talk to people. High school was a nightmare. I used to lie alot. I'd lie to make myself seem more interesting so people would like me because I wasn't confident enough in myself to think that people would like the real me. I'd pretend I was something I wasn't to get attention. I was a real mess and have since then corrected my behavior. I used to dread going to school, not for the classes, because I liked class, but to save myself from possible mental damage or heartbreak. High school was so damaging that I have had so many thoughts of trying to relive high school so I could get back at those people that wronged me. They fucked my world up and thought it was funny. How could people laugh at that? I was in a real dark place, I wanted to just die...or wish something could happen so people would feel sorry for the way they treated me. I know now that's not a healthy way to be, but damnit people didn't hafta treat me like shit. I also had alot of the racial tension going on in high school. I was the only black guy in most of my classes, so who do you think I made friends with? I was ridiculed for not being "black" because of how I acted and the people I hung out with. I'm sorry I didn't know blackness was a personality trait. I thought it was a race. How can people joke you when you're the only black guy representing them! I was in honors and AP classes for christs sake, wouldn't you wanna say, hey there's a black guy there, he's a positive role model not one of these street thugs out there on the street. Why was I always fucking pushed out? It wasn't fair! I hated black people for that in high school for the longest time. I had friends that were black, but they weren't the ones I hated, they were safe. If I had half the balls then as I have now I would've told so many people off. I was depressed as hell in high school I almost considered dropping out, I guess it would've made me a black guy...there goes my hatred again.. sorry I'm trying to work on it. I love black people as a whole, but back then...I frowned my face at black people for disregarding my fucking dream to be something as me not being what I was born as.

I can laugh now I guess...it still hurts from time to time when people tell you things that hurt you way back then and all those emotions come back. Now I'm more expressive though and have found an outlet for my pain. I mean...if I ever acted weird to you guys out there, I'm not blaming everything on my experiences, but they are majorly responsible for my shortcomings and my triumphs. I'm double the guy I was back then, and I'm gettin better at becoming the person I need to be. Myself and nothing but myself. People never appreciate you unless you're genuine.I had to find that out the hard way.

After high school came college, a chance for a brand new start, or so I thought. I made the mistake of going away for college, just because I thought I could handle being out there on my own. I wasn't ready to be on my own. I went to Virginia Commonwealth Univ. for my first semester in college. Needless to say I didn't enjoy it. I hated being away from the people I cared about. I spent most of my time in my room on the internet and playing video games. My neighbors though were really cool and invited me to a few of their parties. That's where another first occurred! I lost my virginity in college. I was 17 years old and lost it to an older girl. Well I don't know about everybody, but the experience was great for me, but not so great on the other end. I found out that girls in college are just older high school girls because she spread rumors about me to other girls in my dorm building. Oh well, screw her. That's partially the reason I didn't like VCU, another reason was because I missed all my high school buddies and since I was older than them, I graduated first. I hated being away from my family. luckily I was only an hour and a half away and could come back every weekend. Needless to say, I transferred back to ODU after the fall semester. I also met my second girlfriend during my times at VCU. Not going into too much detail with her, let's just say she was a BIG liar and a HUGE drama queen and made me nearly lose three key friends who I would never ever want to lose. We went out for about a year, then split!

ODU was great, mainly because I was home and could see all of my friends. However, it seemed like all my friends were branching out and finding new people to hang with and I was just staying stagnant. I didn't really get to know anybody at ODU, I didn't go to any parties as an undergrad. I went to school and came home. I hung out with family and my friends from high school mainly. Now, about 1 month after breaking it off with psycho ex, I meet my 3rd girlfriend. Seems like everything is going well, but nothing is as it seems. This time I actually lost a friend over this girl. At the time it seemed worth it, but now I know you gotta have your boys with you no matter what, bros over hoes! This girlfriend, let's call her "Janice" was in a real hell of her own. Had a bad family life. After a serious incident with a family member, this person moved into my home and stayed with my family and me. Things were good for the first 6-7 months, we had the usual fights couples have. Things got worse as time went on. We started fighting more frequently, mainly because of things I did or were accused of doing. I was always putting myself on the back burner and focusing on her wants and needs. I rarely went out with friends anymore, I had to constantly argue to justify having female friends, and I had a falling out with my family. My brother and I didn't get along very well, there was tension between my mother and I, and I spent most of my time at home, shut in our room with "Janice". Well Janice and I dated for 2 1/2 years, then after an awful fight, we ended our relationship. It may have seemed rash, but it was for the best. In the course of our relationship I graduated from college, found a new job in my preferred field, and started graduate school.

GRADUATE SCHOOL! Grad school is turning out to be one of the best times of my life. I met a group of people who accept me with my flaws and all and we actually try to better ourselves with each passing day. I'm attending Hampton University, majoring in counseling. So far one year has passed and I'm growing more and more as an individual and now that I am single, I'm finding out what I like and doing what I like to do. I'm sort of looking for the next one, but a part of me just wants things to stay like they are until I've recovered and is ready to put myself back out there. I can honestly say, I've hit an all time high and have never been happier, I love my friends, I love my family, I love my school, and I love my job. I'm a counselor at a treatment center for kids. I've learned so many things and have so many stories just from one year of employment. Right now, if I could describe how I'm feeling right now, I'd say 3 words: LIFE IS GOOD!

I'm not perfect. I'm angry, irritable, moody, impulsive, overactive, indecisive, unsure, afraid, nervous, neurotic, and immature. I should be in a mental asylum, but I'm here. I'm standing strong, and I'm trying to reach out to those to tell them not to be afraid, because I was there. Nearly everything they've been through, I have too. I've been bullied, insulted, hurt, heartbroken, laughed at, rejected, alone, afraid, and insecure. Through my beautiful friends and family, I have been rejuvenated and reborn. I'm not going to say i no longer feel those things, but I'm not as bad as I was. I know it's not a happy ending, but life normally isn't. You learn to live with past disappointments and look to the future. I may be alot of bad things but I'm also caring, easy to talk to, funny, intelligent, hard working, loyal, a good conversationalist, and 1/2 of the best spades team in the land. Hoo hah!

I'm not perfect...I just want yall to know me, for real...there are things I need to work on, I know, but I'm trying to be the best I can. Graduate school and all those personality inventories tell me that I still am suffering from some problems that plagued me back then. It's best that I get these feelings out and don't repress them. Thats just me.