I wish there were a formula that was absolutely fool-proof in its effectiveness to improve a marriage. The sad fact of the matter is that people are different and different ideas and plans work for different people. One of my professors told me that he knows everything there is to know about women because he understands that he knows absolutely nothing about women, but that keeps him from putting his biases and misconceptions onto the women he comes in contact with.
I believe that listening to one another and not to a television screen or a magazine will greatly improve the quality of a marriage. There is always an expert or celebrity that knows so much about marriage that he or she is going to tell you how to fix your relationship when the individual doesn't even know you or your situation. I say listen to the one that matters, your spouse because at the end of the day the person who wrote the book is not going to be the one laying next to you. Communication is a huge factor in the improvement of marriages and it is okay if you or your spouse are unsure about how to react to certain situations in your relationship, especially if you're newlyweds. There's nothing about marriage that says you need to be an expert on relationships in order to enter into this matrimony. Do not think that just because you have been married before that you know everything about marriages. A marriage is a learning experience, just because you pass a class does not qualify you to be the teacher.
Another issue I believe that will halt the progress of a marriage is the belief that more sex equals a better relationship. Once again I believe that this is relative. I think that if a relationship is suffering in the intimacy category, then by all means a more active sex life will more than likely help, but we do not need every couple thinking that they need to pop Viagra, have threesomes, or dress up like playboy bunnies to have a great marriage. I think that because we put so much emphasis on waiting until you're in love to have sex that people believe that more sex is equivalent to more love, which would make sense if people ONLY had sex when they were in love, but as we have seen, you do not need to be in love to have sex.
Finally, I believe that a commitment to being a unit is necessary for a great marriage. Too many people believe that marriage is about them. Marriage is not a one puppet show, it involves two people. That whole selfish mentality has to end in order for a marriage to be successful. Sacrifices and compromises will be made, but in sacrificing a bit of your independence, you gain a partner for life. You have someone you can share with, grow with, and most importantly, if you are as committed as your partner, you have someone that will love you unconditionally.
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7 comments:
Huh. May I ask, what do you think makes a great divorce? What drives people to get married, then get divorced? Too much selfish mentality?
Michael.
You have some great points. It is a very comlicated subject. I do believe that what happens between two people has to work out the way THEY need it to. We all have different needs and in a good relationship your partner knows them and fulfills them. I posted alot on the subject myself.
Great read!
I hope you don't mind my bluntness, but what you said sounds like a regurgitation of a marriage counseling book, because I suppose it is harder for me to understand since (1) my own parents divorced when I was two years old and (2) I am only seventeen years old now with little experience in loving relationships.
However, if you could so kindly, help me to understand what you think makes a great marriage for someone who only knows too much about divorce?
Michael.
What makes a great divorce is just incompatibility, in my opinion. People that realize that they can't work through their issues no matter how hard they try. Sometimes the love just dies and people can't adjust to changes in their life like living with someone, having kids, having to make joint decisions, etc.
Michael to help you out I don't believe that just because your parents were divorced then you should follow suit. It's like any method of discovery, how does a person who was raised as a racist learn to trust a person of color? They meet someone who changes their view of things. I think that if you find someone you're willing to make a committment with and literally do anything to be with, then you won't have to worry to much about what your parents did. Hell, my mom and dad did quite a bit of things I'd never do. I mean my father was NEVER in my life that doesn't mean that I'm going to abandon my child because that's all I know.
Thanks for your comments! Hope I helped
From what I gather amongst our generation, we are quite put off by marriage due to the actions of our parents. Hahaha.
We'll just be a populace of single friends who have kids. The marriage business is going down.
Michael.
I believe as you mentioned communication and compromise are the two main components of a sucessful marriage. Your spose also has to be your best friend. If you cannot express your feelings to that person and if you are unwilling to compromise eventually you will grow apart and the marriage will fail. Being married for almost 4 years has brought me to these conclusions, and realizing this has made my marriage a succesful one.
I agree with those things in that they do help keep a marriage together. However, I think a great marriage lies on two individuals and their ability to cohesively come together.
I believe in order to even be in someone's space as intimately as marriage each person has to be able to set aside their pride and insecurities and present themselves to their partner completely raw. This coming from my ideal that there are two sides & two personas to a person. I feel like you need to share with your partner the 100% real you. The ugly, raw, honest person that you are/can be.
I feel like divorce is riddled with incompatible people who did not take the time to figure out what they want and what they need> if I don't know those things about myself, when I link up with someone else that will only breed contempt and boredom.
Marriage is not for the lazy. Marriage requires work. I don't quite understand why it's so hard to give up on that spark that drew you to that person. To me, if something draws me to a person and opens up a world of wonderment to whom this person really is. That's something worth having and def. worth keeping. I'll do anything I have to do so. That means compromise, sharing, caring, understanding, and all the other mushy lovable words ending in -ING. lol.
I long for the days of old school marriages when the outside world didn't influence what went on between two people.
-Ash.
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