The Dentist, AKA Hostel With An MD

What is it about the dentist that makes people so afraid to go to the dentist?

On the Eve of my wisdom teeth pulling I have decided to list a few reasons why I don't particularly like the dentist.

1. They're dealing with your mouth, and apparently the most intimate thing you can do to something is put it in your mouth, so they're already invading my space by poking and proding around in my mouth.

2. I don't like the taste of latex gloves. (There was this joke about a prostitute who went to the dentist and had a flashback when he put his gloved finger in her mouth, it's gross I know)

3. Even after they clean your teeth, your teeth never look like the people in the commercials. You might have just unusually white teeth, but for the majority of the people in the world, our teeth never look super bright white after a dentist cleans them, not unless you get the Power Clean (thanks Keith), which sounds more scary than beneficial.

4. There's rarely any good news when you leave the dentist, not unless you have super perfect teeth, or fake teeth. At least if you're in good health with the doctor they don't need to yank, drill, or fill any crevices you have. You always either have a cavity, need braces, need a tooth pulled, or something. Like if you go to the doctor for a backache, he's not usually going to shove a needle into your spine and pull out a piece of bone, he's going to give prescribe you some pain meds, maybe go see a chiropractor and get a deep tissue massage. If you go to the dentist for a toothache, it's ALWAYS serious and it usually involves stabbing a needle into your gums and doing something ridiculous. They always say the same thing too when they're about to stick you, either you'll feel a little pinch or don't worry I'm gentle. Last time I checked, there was no gentle way to stick a needle into someone.

5. Why does it seem like everything the dentist uses is sharp? The curvy pick thing, the straight pointy utensil, the floss, the toothbrush, the mirror. They always want to poke at your gums and your tongue which cause them to bleed and then they have the nerve to tell you something you already know. Your gums are sensitive. NO SHIT SHERLOCK! They're thin and fleshy of course they're sensitive. I didn't need you to stab my mouth with a razor blade to figure that out. There's this theory that dentists and doctors actually have a want to inflict pain onto others but they can't do that in society without being labeled psychotic so they find a socially acceptable way to inflict pain to other people. Think of that when you're at the doctor/dentist next time.


Tomorrow at 9 am the wisdom teeth come out, wish me a speedy recovery, and if you wanna visit me, feel free to do so I'll be home for the rest of the week healing up. Bring ice cream or you ain't gettin in the door!

-Roderic